The Void Behind My Eyes
by Wingleader Sora Jade
Summary: Ryou-angst. Bakura managed to steal the Puzzle, and now Bakura and Yami are at war in Ryou's mind. Slowly and without noticing, they are destroying Ryou. (Chapter 13 up) Once upon a time...
1. Puzzle & Ring

The Void Behind My Eyes 

by WSJ 

WSJ: This is actually an idea I had for a full-blown angst/drama story (ya'll know how I love those! ^_^;;) But at the moment I have no time to write it, what with everybody bugging me about SoS and PCHANGE, not to mention Camelot. So I've condenced it into a crappy little POV ficclet. Maybe I'll eventually get the time to write it, who knows? 

Disclaimer: Not mine. Never will be. Wish they were tho, just like every good little fangirl... ^^; 

()()()()() 

'The pain these days is almost too much to handle. Well, not that it wasn't before. It seems I've been in pain for three-quarters of my short life...' 

My words echo back to me as they bounce off the walls of my splintered soulroom. Like everywhere else in my mind, it has become just another battlefeild for those two. I sit curled in the corner with my knees pulled up to my chest, avoiding as best I can the shards of glass that are littered around me. 

Two years ago, my yami, Bakura, did what everyone thought was previously impossible. 

He stole the Millenium Puzzle. 

Ever since that time, he's been on the run. He's taken permenant possension of my body, and I... I am unable to do anything about it. I'm too weak, too small... 

Yami-Yuugi (or would that be Yami-Ryou the Second now?) assures me that as soon as he's able to overthrow Bakura and get back to Yugi that he'll help me. Right, like I believe him... I think the pharoah just wants to be back with his original host, instead of competing for space in my mind with Bakura. 

So all I do these days is sit in my soulroom. That's about all I _can_ do. Bakura and Yami's constant wars with each other for control of my phisicallity have left me weak and drained, body and soul. I don't think either of them realize it, but I'm fading. Ever so slowly, I'm getting thinner, flimsier, smaller. Soon I'll be nothing but shadows. 

And I wonder. When I am no more substantial, no more real then a soft breeze, will either of them even remember? Will either of them, once in control, look into a mirror and remember the gentle boy whose body they hold? I wonder, if, when they do remember, they'll come dashing to my soulroom, only to find me gone. 

Yami-Yuugi might. 

Bakura wouldn't. 

Sometimes, for the breif minutes I have control of my own body, I'll look at myself in the mirror and ask what's become of me. The last time I actually looked, I could count all my ribs, right through my shirt. My cheeks were pale, and my eyes sunken in. My hair was longer and more unkept then I remembered, my eyes duller, more hopeless. And of course, the accursed Ring and accursed Puzzle hung around my neck, weighing me down and making my shoulders droop. I was looking into the mirror in a scuzzy, discusting, dirty, foul bathroom of a cheap motel kami-knows how many miles from home. That was seven weeks ago. I don't know where I, we, are now, nor do I wish to know. It would only bring me more pain to see just how far away I really am from all I once knew and held dear.

Sometimes, for those breif moments when I have control of my own body, I'm scared to close my eyes. If I do, I see two pairs of eyes looking back at me. One deep brown pair glares mercilessly, promising pain if I do not give him control. The other, a ruby red, looks at me eagerly, asking me to let _him_ have control, so he can get back to his home, and his real aibou. I was never Yami-Yuugi's aibou, just a temporary vessel, used to get him back to his Yugi. I fooled myself to think either one of those selfish Egyptian idiots would care for me... 

"Ryou!" 

My name is barked at me in a voice all too familiar, and I tremble as Bakura makes his way over to me, his eyes narrowed in hatred. "You allowed that Pharoah," he spits the title like a curse, "To gain control! How dare you!" He grabs me by the hair, hauling me to my feet. I shut my eyes tightly and try not to cry as the blows come, one after the other. Soon Yami-Yuugi will arrive and try his best to defend me. Not out of any personal feelings of protectivness or compassion, just the general belief that no one should be hurt. 

And then Bakura will forget about me and turn on Yami-Yuugi, and the wars will start. I'll get caught in the crossfire, unnoticed, of course, as so often happens. And I'll end the day more worse for wear then if Yami-Yuugi had just stayed away and let Bakura beat me. 

Sometimes, when I'm in control of my own body, I dream about being completly alone. About happily-ever-after. About love. But that's all they are, dreams. Because the instant I let my lids slide shut, I see two pairs of eyes looking back at me, and they pull me back down into the dark void behind my eyes, where I'll eventually be lost forever among twisted shards of a shattered life. 

And no one will care. 

()()()()() 

WSJ: *sniffles, and then bursts into tears* Waaaaaaah!!!!!! Ry-chan!!!!!!! *blows her nose loudly* Okay, I better... *sniffles* Reviews onegai... 

God bless minna-san! 


	2. Snow in London

WSJ: ^_^ You wanted it, you got it. Another chapter of Void Behind my Eyes. Reviews please! 

Disclaimer: Don't own. Don't claim to own. Dangedit. 

Note: Yes, I realize that in the original Japanese version of YGO Ryou wasn't British. But work with me here, this idea works better if we assume, for the duration of this fic, that he is. British, I mean. :p 

()()()()() 

I can't believe it. It's amazing, a miracle even. I'm back in control of my own body. Yami and Bakura are both asleep in their soulrooms. They had a particularly rough battle last night, and it left them both drained. 

I -we- are in some sort of a hotel room. Okay, we've been in tons of hotel rooms. Where is the question. I walk over to the window and look out. There's snow all over the ground, which throws off my mental calendar by a couple months. I'd thought it was only the middle of September. In the distance, I see a landmark I recognize, and I nearly fall over in shock. 

Big Ben. 

Oh God. 

I'm home. 

Without a thought I run downstairs and outside, without so much as a coat on. There's something I have to do. Something I have to settle once and for all, now that I'm finally home. 

There's a mental yawn, and Bakura speaks up grouchily. //Runt, what're you-// 

I slammed the soulroom door in his face and lock it, something I've never dared to even try before. But he can't stop me, not in this. I may get the beating of my life tonight, but hey, what else is new? 

I stop, realizing I'm there. I shiver, and not just from the snowy cold. Cemetaries have always creeped me out. I make my way inside, and head for the back wall. Even though I haven't been here in nearly four years, I still know where I'm going. My heart remembers, even if my mind does not. 

I pause in front of a willow tree, its bare braches creating a curtain between me and my destination. I have to catch my breath. I'm so much weaker then I realized. Then I swallow and part them, stepping inside their circle of protection. Three gravestones lay before me. The first is big, made of black obsidian. That one is my father's. The small rose-coloured one next to it is my mother's. And the third, the one with the carved angel on top... 

A woman a little younger then me, with long white hair and gentle brown eyes, is standing in front of that third grave. She turns as I enter, and for a moment our eyes meet. I feel a tear run down my cheek, where it freezes, but I don't care. 

I know her. I know her very well. 

She's dressed in nothing but a thin white dress, but the cold doesn't seem to bother her at all. Her eyes shift to look at the Ring and Puzzle, and her face takes on a look of pain. She looks back into my eyes, and her lips shape words that I cannot hear, but that my heart can feel. 

_Does he still hurt you?_

Mutely I nod, and she looks distressed. She walks over, and her kiss on my cheek is as insubstantial as a wisp of cloud. She steps away, and glances back at the three headstones, the third in particular. She shakes her head, and then turns back to me. Once again my heart feels what she wants to say to me. 

_I love you. You'll be with us again very soon._

I smile sadly. I knew that already. She cocks her head slightly to the left, as if looking past me at someone or something standing behind me. I don't turn, and she speaks again, her voice softer. 

_Good-bye onii-san._

I back to the willow curtain. "Good-bye onee-chan." I turn and part the curtain, and then glance back just once over my shoulder. She is already gone, as I knew she would be. 

Yes, very soon I'll fade to nothing. Already my strength is fading, and I sink to my knees in the snow. Very soon, I'll be with my dear onee-chan again. 

Very soon.

I let myself fall forward into the snow, and for a breif moment I wonder what will happen to the Puzzle and Ring. Will Yami and Bakura continue to war over possesion of my body? Never notice where I am, or rather, where I'm not? 

But none of it matters. Suddenly, the young woman is kneeling in front of me, and the snow is no longer cold on my cheek. She's in that same white dress, but now a great light shines behind her, like the sun. 

Or the Son. 

She smiles at me and grips my arm to help me to my feet, pressing herself close to my side as if I'll be torn away from her grasp. 

Amane. Onee-chan. My beloved little sister. 

I'm with you again. 

()()()()() 

WSJ: *sniffles* Did you know that Ryou really does/did have a little sister? She's mentioned in one spot in one volume of the manga. Not unlike Chang Meiran or Midii Une of Gundam Wing... *wanders off to work on _What Could Have Never Been_* 

God bless minna-san! 


	3. Tears of Molten Gold

WSJ: *yawn* Here's another chapter. Proll'y the final one. This one, like the other two, was written very late at night, under the threats of my muses that they'd never let me sleep if I didn't write it down. *grumbles* Anyway, I don't own YGO. Enjoy. 

()()()()() 

No... 

It wasn't fair... 

There was a sharp kick to my side as I lay silently crying in the snow. "Get up runt!!" I was alive. Bakura had managed to break through the barriers I'd hastily put up. He'd chased off my Amane-chan. 

Even in death, he couldn't give me peace. 

"Hey! Don't treat Ryou like that!" 

Now Yami Yuugi was out as well. 

Shimatta. 

I groaned and burried my head farther in my arms. Now it would really start. I didn't want to be around for the fights between my yamis, one natural and one not, but of course I had no choice. 

I couldn't help but notice as Yami and Bakura chased each other back and forth across my field of vision, that neither left footprints in the snow. If they were as light and insubstantial as that, why did it hurt so much when Bakura kicked me? Was it because his sheer will power made up for the lack of physicality? Or some other factor I didn't know about? 

Or was it that they didn't leave footprints because they were Egyptian, and therefore didn't know what snow was, so just floated over it somehow? 

Why in seven hells was I contemplating this while Yami and Bakura were trying their best to kill each other when they were both already dead? 

The good thing, I suppose, was that they were fighting in the real world, and not my mindscape. In my mind and soulroom, they could toss energy blasts at each other DBZ-style, send up shi shi hokodans faster then Ryoga Hibiki himself, and glide through air a la Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. Not that that didn't make a good show, but when one is being pummeled by miscellanious ki blasts one does not have time to admire the pretty colours. When in the real world, my two yamis couldn't do such... _spiritial_ things, and were forced to adopt a combat style halfway between Ranma Saotome's Anything Goes and Makoto Kino's Go Anything. 

But I digress. I'm straying from the subject again. 

Laying in the snow, my white hair blendng with the ground, they didn't see me. Yami stepped back onto my hand, and I yelped and pulled back. It threw him off-balance, just long enough for Bakura to get a good kick in to his gut. Yami doubled over in pain (can they feel pain if they're spirits?) and then, to my surprise and dismay and Bakura's delight... Yami turned on me. 

Before he could stop himself, his anger at my distracting him got the better of him. It was just for a moment, and then he was the composed Pharoah again, apologising for his "mistake", but a moment was long enough for him to deliver a sound smack to my cheek. 

I froze, colder then the snow I was kneeling on. Yami had hit me. The one that I'd always hoped would someday, someway be my salvation, my redemption, had hit me. And behind him, Bakura was _laughing_... 

Something deep, deep inside me, the part of me that, I suppose, really was Bakura's reincarnation, snapped. 

I screamed in rage, grief, frustration, and anger. I jumped to my feet, yanking at the cord that held the Ring around my neck, almost like an animal tearing at its leash. I pulled it off and threw it in the snow, and I pulled at the Puzzle as well. When it finally came over my head, I threw it down on top of the Ring, wishing for both of them to just disappear forever. 

But I had forgotten that wishing was the Puzzle's power. 

To this day, I still don't know if I'd have acted the same if I remembered in time that the Puzzle granted wishes. I trully don't know. Maybe I would have. Maybe I wouldn't've. Maybe I'd have made an entirely different wish. 

But as it was, the point of the Puzzle struck the Eye of Horus in the center of the Ring. I was thrown backward by an explosion of coloured, mostly white, light. The last thing I remember seeing before darkness claimed me was the look of hurt on Bakura's face. That look haunts me to this day... 

When I next awoke, I was laying half-propped up agianst a gravestone, where I'd fallen. What a cruel twist of Fate that it was my dear Amane's grave. I stood up, rubbing my head, for the moment not remembering the last few moments before unconciousness. I actually looked around for the Ring and Puzzle. 

All I found was a pile of golden shards, half melted. I still have one of them, the one that means the most, even though the magic, the spirits are gone. 

The Ring's Eye of Horus, crying tears of gold. 

()()()()() 

WSJ: ^^v Okay, so i lied. There's going to be at least one, maybe two more chapters after this. But I ain't writing them tonight. :p Reviews please! 

God bless minna-san! 


	4. Betrayal

WSJ: *grin* I can't believe y'all actually like this... I'm just warning you though, things are gonna get worse. This chapter is going to make you want to slap someone, I can gurantee it. 

Disclaimer: Don't own any of it. :p 

()()()()() 

I hesitated, not knowing what to do, how to do this. I _know_ I have to, but every fiber of my being is screaming at me to turn around and run the other way. Oh God no... I don't want to do this... 

It's been six months since the Ring and Puzzle vanished. Six months that I've been living without the other half of my soul. Six long, awful, God-forsaken months. But it's been two and a half _years_ for Yugi. I owe him this much, even if I can barely bring myself to do it. 

When the Puzzle shattered... It didn't just break apart into its seperate peices. It _shattered_. And now I have to tell Yugi-tachi that there's no way he'll ever see his Yami again. 

Oh God, oh God, I cannot do this... 

I spin in an about face and am on the edge of walking away from the Turtle Game Shop, when I hear an annoying little bell behind me that announces to the world in general that the Door Has Opened. Whoo-hoo. Why is it that every shop in the world has the same sort of bells on the door? They're all as annoying as hell, and yet the shopkeepers seem to _like_ them... 

"Who's there? Don't you want to come in from the cold?" 

I turn around again and stare at the short, squat figure in the doorway, almost not believing. It's been so long since I've seen Mr Moto... He's almost like something from another life. 

I realize with a bit of chagrin that he probably doesn't recognise me. After regaining complete control of my body a half-year ago, my hair had been so tangled and matted (neither of the spirits in me caring much for personal hygiene) that I'd just givin up and shorn it all off. Rather like a sheep. Ha ha. It has grown out a bit since then, but is no where near as long as it had been. At the moment I'm wrapped in several layers of clothes that I managed to get from various charities, with a huge overcoat that I expect used to belong to Seto Kaiba over top. 

"What?" I ask him, smirking a little. "You'd let a bum like me into your nice clean shop, Mr Moto?" 

Ah yes, these last few months have not been pleasent (nor have the last couple years, but you know that story). I stowed away on a plane just to get from England back to Japan (spent some time in prison after getting caught for that, too. Guess I don't have as many stealth skills as my original yami would like to think he beat into me). I've been living off the streets, holding down what few jobs I can, getting what food there is for guys like me, ever since. All in all, not a pretty way to live. 

Not that I really care anymore. No, having one's soul ripped in half, your yami torn from you, can sortof tarnish your look on life. Hey, don't look at me like that! He may have beat me, abused me, ignored me, but he was still my other half. Losing him... Well, there's really no good way to describe it, except as being "ripped in half". That's what it felt like. And now I stumble around, acting like I'm half-drunk. None of my sences seem to work right, without him here. It's like when he was torn from me, half of me went with him. And really, that's what happened. He was a seperate person, but he was still _me_. 

Mr Moto looks surprised. "Do I... know you?" 

"No," I say, shaking my head a little. "But I used to be a good friend of your grandson's. Is Yugi around?" 

Mr Moto seems to consider this question, and eyeballs me openly. Not that I blame him. I'm scruffy-looking anyway, and it's been _forever_ since I've had a decent, or even half-decent, wash and/or shave. He reluctantly steps back to let me inside, and I come in gratefully, stamping the early-March, half-melted snow from off my two-sizes-too-big boots. He goes upstairs to find Yugi, and I glance around the shop. 

Good grief, nothing's changed at all. There's even still a poster of Yugi (actually, Yami) from back when he won Duelist Kingdom. I strip off my coat and gloves, laying them neatly over the counter. I finger my dueling deck, which I've managed to keep with me, even through all of this, and wonder if I should pawn some of the cards. A few of them, my Change of Heart in particular, could probably get me enough cash to eat for the next few days. 

Before I can make a decision one way or another, I hear footsteps. Mr Moto comes back into the shop, followed by Yugi-tachi, Joey, and Tea. No telling where Tristan is, not that I really care. He always was an idiot. My yami (that is, Bakura) ranked him somewhere between slaves and the pharoah (that is, Yami). 

At first, they don't recognise me either, giving me a chance to study them. Bloody hell, when did Yugi get so big? He easily tops Tea in height, and is nearly as tall as Joey. He sure towers over me... But there's something about his eyes. They seem so empty, so haunted. These are the eyes of someone who knows part of him is gone. Like me. His eyes are like mine. 

Maybe that's what clues him into who I am, seeing my eyes as hollow as his own. Or maybe something else. You can't exactly mistake my hair for anyone elses, even if the scraggly beard I've got makes me look more old then albino (even though I'm not albino). But whatever the means, I can see the understanding dawn in his eyes, and his expression turns almost hungry. _Yerning_. Yerning for something that I, regrettably, cannot give him. He opens his mouth to say something, and I decide to speak first. 

"Yugi..." 

Joey and Tea start at the sound of my voice, apparently realizing just who I am. But I ignore them and keep talking, reaching into the big inside pocket of my coat for what I'd come to give him. To my surprise, I feel a tear slide down my face. "Yugi, I'm sorry... It's all my fault..." I pull out the few golden shards, all that's left of the Millenium Puzzle. I hand them to him, and he stares at them for a moment, as if not realising what they really are. 

Then tears well up in his eyes too, and he clenches his fists around the gold, not caring if the sharp edges bite into his palms. He glares at me, and I see fire in his gaze. I take a step back, fearful. 

"What did you do?" 

His voice is low, and cold, and in it I can hear all the pain I have and all of his pain, folded together and doubled. I want to run, want to turn and run forever, outrun Yugi, outrun the memories, outrun the pain... But I can't. Yugi's steel-cold gaze holds me in place, demanding an answer from me. When I finally find my voice, it's barely a whisper. 

"I wished they would disappear." 

For a moment, Yugi stops. He caught the 'we'. He knows Bakura's gone to, and must guess that I am in just as much pain as him. But we are all human, and his anger, sadness, and pain mounts up and takes control, not unlike a yami itself. 

_"How could you?"_

The words are whispered, and I really more of feel them then hear. And then he launches himself at me, and before I can stop him I'm on my back on the Game Shop floor, little Yugi (who isn't so little) kneeling on my stomach and forcing the air out of me. He slugs me across the cheek, and the shards of the Puzzle, which work like brass knuckles whether he intends them to or not, slice deep into the skin. I can taste blood in my mouth and wonder fleetingly if Yugi's going to kill me. 

For a moment Bakura's face hovers over Yugi's shoulder, and he's laughing at me. 

Mocking me, as he always has. 

Joey and Mr Moto grab ahold of Yugi's arms, hauling him off me. He screams and kicks, tears flowing down his face. I lay there for a moment, and Tea's horror-filled eyes meet mine. 

And then I'm on my feet, and I run. 

I'm leaving my coat and gloves behind, something I'll probably regret later, but I can always steal another one. I dodge into a dark back alley and hide myself behind a pile of ancient boxes, wondering if Yugi will come after me. 

I can still hear Yugi's screams echoing in my ears, overlaid with Bakura's laughter. 

Please... 

Please just make them go away... 

The shadows are laughing at me again. 

()()()()() 

WSJ: ^^v At _least_ one more chapter to go, probably more beyond that. And I think I'd better switch the catagory to angst/tragety, don't you? *smiles sweetly* Oh, for those wondering, I have major writer's block on the next chapter of YoTU:F. *sweatdrop* I'll try and get it out soon! I promise!! 

God bless minna-san! 


	5. Faces in the Shadows

WSJ: *grin* Oh yeah, I'm really getting into this. ^^v I've got writer's block for YoTU, which makes it the perfect time to work a bit more on this. :p I don't know how far this will go, but I have ideas for plenty more plot, as long as you guys want it. First though, a few notes. 

1) Should I bring Malik into this? I have a good idea how, without moving the focus off of Ryou-chan. ^^v Hey, we've got Ryou angst, last chapter and a few more in the future feature Yugi angst... Why not throw in some Malik angst too? 

2) Yes, for those of you asking, suggesting, and down-right pleading, Yami and Bakura will be back. ^~ But watch out, cuz it's not in the way you think... 

3) This is most probably _not_ going to be a happily-ever-after type of fic. :p I know, most of my other angst fics ended happily, one way or another, but this one probably won't. I've always wanted to write a full-blown tragety, and this is it. ^~ So, while there may be a few bright, or even humerous spots along the way, don't expect a happy ending on this. 

4) THANK YOU READERS!!! *hug hug* Only four chapters, and this thing already has over 100 reviews!!! I'm so happy you all like this! Thanks much!! 

;P Thanks especially to Eruantale, who had such a strong reaction to my initial plan for next chapter (chapter 6) that I'm going to write it as angstily as possible. ^__^ Thanks also to Hikari NoTenshi & High Crystal Guardian, and everyone who has me or this story on their favs list. 

Disclaimer: Don't own it. :p Never will. 

Correction: Last chapter I refered to Yugi twice as 'Yugi-tachi' when I shouldn't have. ^^;; I didn't find out the real meaning of the suffix -tachi until after I'd posted it. Sorry! (The meaning of -tachi is plural. Used to refer to Yugi when he's melded with Yami, ie, "both Yugis". Last chapter, obviously, Yami wasn't there, so I shouldn't have refered to Yugi in the plural.) 

()()()()() 

Every child is scared of the dark. Whether it's only when they are very young, or they have to sleep with a night light in high school, everyone is scared of the dark at one point or another. Oh, there's lots of different reasons for it, even I can see that, though I don't claim to be any sort of psychiatrist. Some fear burglers, some fear that something will steal away their families in the night. Some fear monsters under the bed. 

Unlike every other child, I am not scared of the dark. 

I'm scared of the shadows. 

Even before I got that acursed Sennen Ring, I was scared of the shadows. The earliest memory I have is of running down the hall and climbing into bed with my sister Amane, because mom and dad's door was shut and I was too little to reach the doorknob. I can remember being terrified of every bit of darkness in that long, long hall, and when our cat Osirus jumped out and scared me I nearly wet my pants. 

Mommy never believed me when I said that there were faces in the shadows. She just laughed and patted my head and told me what a big imagination I had. 

Dad didn't believe me either. He pretended like he did, and told me to talk to them, maybe make friends so that they wouldn't scare me any more. That's how I could tell he didn't believe me. If he'd known what I was talking about, he wouldn't have told me to make friends with the faces. 

Amane-chan believed me though. She always believed everything I said, of course, because I was her big brother. But she believed in the shadow-faces not just because I told her, but because she could see them too. 

She and I, even at the young ages of seven and five, respectively, would sit on either her bed or mine, wide awake and terrified all night, because the faces in the shadows were watching us. Looking back on it now, I realize that our parents got pretty exhasperated with us. But we couldn't sleep, not with them watching us. The shadows, I mean, not our parents. 

We, the two of us, would make up stories, to try and make the faces less scarry. But somehow, it never quite worked. The stories that immerged were sometimes more terrible then the faces themselves. One that sticks in my mind was the one that Amane and I called the Mummy. We decided that he was an ancient Egyptian spirit, looking for the tomb robber who had killed him, so he could get his revenge. 

Ironic, huh? Me being mistaken for my yami, before I even knew my yami existed. 

The Mummy went away just after I got the Sennen Ring, and I wonder sometimes what Bakura did to him. 

Another one, one that I can still see in the shadows if I look hard enough, is the Seer. He looks like me, but his eyes are blank, and they look like they're staring right through your soul. He's the only one that I actually look for, that I actually want to see. I don't know why, but he doesn't feel threatening or scarry, like the others do. He gives off an aura of calm. 

I sudder from my place crouched behind the boxes as the laughter starts. I look around me, shying back from the faces all around me, some I have seen and known all my life, some new. One in particular, one with vicious brown eyes and unruly hair that's only been around for a half-year at most, makes my heart shudder and my breath catch in my throat. 

"Please..." I whisper to the empty alleyway as I tremble in my boots. "Make them stop laughing..." 

()()()()() 

WSJ: :p Heehee... Poor Ryou-kun. ^^ I'm so mean to him... *snick* Can anyone spot the cameo I stuck in? Anyone? There's actually two, but I doubt anyone will get the second one... 

God bless minna-san! 


	6. Purgatory

WSJ:.....Jeez....This one, as seems to be the norm for this fic, at least, was written very late at night while I was hyped up on iced tea, potato chips and British sitcoms. 

Ryou: *mimiking his dubbed-British self* Crikey! 

WSJ: >.> That's Australian Ryou, we're looking for British... 

Ryou: ^^ Sorry gov'. 

WSJ: Thaaaat's better... ^^v Anyway, I have a big announcement to make! Yesterday I posted a short, YGO/Cats crossover entitled _Ne-Ko-Oh!_. That, believe it or not, was my _200th_ fic!! I can't believe it myself!! ^__^ *dances around happily* Never fear however, I don't plan on stopping any time soon! 

Disclaimer: Own none. Don't claim to own any either. ^^v 

Dedication: To Eruantale, who will probably be relieved that I haven't delivered my sadists-chapter yet. ^~ Yes, I did say it would be six, but I'm holding it off till seven. Sorry! ^~ So stay tuned for seven for major tears and tissues. ^^v 

Muse-ic of the moment: I have "Jellicle Cats" from the musical _Cats_ stuck in my head at the moment, along with the occational bit of "Rum Tum Tugger" and "Magical Mr Mistoffelees" in between. 

()()()()() 

The laughter of the shadows very abruptly fades away, until only one snigger, which I know all too well, echos back at me from seemingly all sides. Then that one too fades, leaving me in complete silence, save for my ragged breathing. I crouch in the corner of an alleyway, where only a little snow still rests. My knees are pulled up to my chest, my arms slung over my head, as if to block out the mocking laughter of my only companions. 

In this new-found silence, it begins to snow again. I slowly raise my head, turning my face upward to revel in the quiet beauty. But even the pure white of the snow seems smudged, greyed, sullied... Will everything look dark to me now, now that the balance is broken? I'm no fool. I know that yami and hikari must balance. In the absence of two amounts of dark, it seems logical that whatever mystical being is in charge of fates will subtract two amounts of light to even the balance. 

I know my fate already, though I'm not quite sure _how_ I know. Perhaps it has something to do with the faces in the shadows, or perhaps it is simply intuition. Maybe it has to do with the shards of the Sennen Ring, which I still carry with me, tied with bits of string next to my heart. Perhaps, when they shattered, the magic had no where to go, and seeped into me. I find that unlikely, however. What magic would want _me_ as its host? Yami and Bakura certainly didn't... 

But whatever the means, I know my destiny. I am doomed to simply fade, as, I suppose, I've always known that I would. Maybe I'll just drift, become just another face in the shadows for someone else to fear. Maybe one day I simply won't be there anymore. But I'll fade, stretch, thin. Like... butter, spread over too much bread. Far too much bread... 

I worry though. Two darks were taken, two lights must compensate. If that were not to happen, the worlds' balance would be thrown dangerously out of whack. I worry how it is that Yuugi will meet his fate. 

There is another option, of course. Over time, Yuugi's dark, although no longer concious, no longer the living being known as Yami, could be forced upon him, the two merging into one, nearly normal human. Perhaps, perhaps that way he would still have a little of his Yami with him, maybe even hear a whisper of his voice, at times. Over time, Yuugi could become the balance all on his own, a living Change of Heart. 

But time is something that there is none of. 

Sometimes I wonder at my fixation with the Change of Heart. Is it simply because it was okaa-san's favorite? Or did I always somehow know that I would become just like it, half dark and half light. We all balance, you know. I was perfect, split right down the center. I completely light, Bakura totally dark. No, that's not a good way to put it. We were a ying-yang, both of us in our predominate element, but each holding onto a small peice of the other as well. I had my dark places, my rough edges, and although he would be loathe to admit it, mou hitori no boku had his small bit of light. It burned like a small, white-hot star inside of him, but was closed in a cage of black iron, never to be let out. 

We all balance. Yuugi and Yami were the lightest of the three, of the Trinity of Doubles. Yami, although dark, held light as well, and Yuugi is completely pure, from his heart to his soul. I know. I have seen it. 

Too much light tips the scales, so there had to be compensation. Malik and his other are the too-dark of the Trinity. Ishtar black through and through, and the darkness seeping into his hikari's soul as well. Sometimes it is hard to distinguish between the two, because they blur and fade and run together. They are not true yami and hikari, you know, although many count them as such. And yet somehow they're still counted as one of the Trinity. 

Hah! And what a Trinity we made... Too-light, hovering near heaven on the wings of angels. Too-dark, rising from hell with a devil-may-care laugh. And me, Half-light-half-dark, suspended between, expelled from heaven because of my dark, banished from hell because of my light... 

Sometimes, Purgatory is worst of all... 

()()()()() 

WSJ: :p Stick around for the next chapter, which will be written as soon as I get insommnia again or writers block for another of my fics. ^~ Chow! 

God bless minna-san! (Minna-san just means "everyone" in Japanese) 


	7. Fallen Away

WSJ: *cheesey grin* Well, I'm back. For those of you who read **Tales of the Child of Fate**, chapter one of _Home Sweet Home_ is about 70% done. It should be out soon. 

But I digress. ^~ On to the fic. 

Disclaimer: I don't own YGO. It belongs to Kazuki Takahashi-sama, whose shoes I am not fit to shine. *prostrates herself in front of Takahashi-sama* I am not worthy! 

Dedication: Once again, to Eruantale. ^~ This is the chapter she's been dreading. XD And to IrishJade and her "Pretty Other's Other". ^o^ Yay for IJ updates! 

Muse-ic of the moment: _Bring Me To Life_, by Evanescence. 

()()()()() 

It was two weeks later, and I had to know. 

That first night, Jou had run by the alley where I was hiding at least twice, obviously looking for me. He seemed almost frantic. But since then, I hadn't seen so much as a hair from any of Yugi's friends. Even Kaiba seemed to have vanished entirely. 

And so I made my way up the steps to Anzu-san's appartment. Not knowing what to expect, I knocked on the door and braced myself for a screaming tirade. Just because a guy brings bad news once... Okay fine, so it was my fault Yami and Bakura had vanished. But I was worried about Yugi. 

I remember what it was like, those first couple days after it had truely sunken in that Bakura was gone. I wanted to die more then anything, but I knew my fate was to fade. Not that I didn't try. I still carry the scars on my wrists and arms. 

The door was opened by Anzu herself, and for a moment she just stared at me. I don't think that she quite believed it _was_ me for a moment. Then to my surprise she all but flung herself at me, throwing her arms around my neck and burying her head in my chest as she began to cry. I just stood there in shock for a moment, not knowing what to do. Then Anzu looked up at me, and while I could see sadness in her tearful eyes there was fear too. 

"Oh Ryou!" she said. "Ryou, it's so horrible! Jou's so _sure_ it's all your fault, but I know you'd never do anything like that, and Shizuka believes me too. But Jou and Honda want you bad Ryou, you've got to leave!" 

"Slow down Anzu-san," I said, pulling away from her slightly. When had I gotten taller then her? "Jou and Honda think what is all my fault?" 

Anzu stared at me in surprise, then glanced around before pulling me inside her apartment and shutting the door behind us. She bit her lip, and then ran toward a bedroom. She came back out a moment later carrying a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt that looked like it might fit me. She handed them too me and then pushed me toward a bathroom. "Here's some old clothes that my dad will never miss. Go take a long hot shower and get cleaned up. I - I have to think about how to tell you what's happened these last couple weeks." 

I stood there and blinked at her, and she gave a little laugh that sounded bitter even to my ears. She made little shooing motions with her hands and smiled saddly. "Go on, there'll be plenty of time for me to tell you after you're comfortable." I stared at her a moment longer, then trudged into the bathroom. There are no words to describe how wonderful a shower and a shave felt! And being dressed in clean clothes to boot? Marvelous. 

I wandered back into the livingroom as I was towel drying my hair. Anzu was sitting on the couch, and motioned for me to take a seat across from her. There was a tray with two cups of steaming tea sitting on it, and I stared in surprise. How long had it been since I'd had tea, let alone hot tea? "A-Anzu-san, I don't know what to say..." Unexpectedly I felt my eyes brimming with tears of gratitude. "No one's been this kind to me before. Certainly not lately. I can't thank you enough." 

Her face twisted for a moment, into something that looked like remourse, but it was quickly hidden. I wondered what that quick glimpse ment. Was she regretting letting me have a shower? Gratefully I took a sip of the tea. Mmmm... It seemed a little bitter to my tongue, but maybe that was just because I hadn't had real tea in so long. I set the cup down and folded my hands politely in my lap, cocking my head at Anzu. "What's been going on?" 

She looked down for a moment, staring at her hands. I had to strain to hear her whisper. "Yuugi's gone." 

My eyes widened, and even though I knew what she meant, knew it down to my very bones, I had to hold on to the slim chance that I might be mistaken. "W-what? You mean he ran away?" 

She laughed mirthlessly. "You know what I mean. You know it, and I know it. Yuugi's dead." 

I had known the words were coming, but still it sent my head reeling. I grasped my cup and took a long drink, and it served to settle my nerves somewhat, although I still felt dizzy and my stomach was churning. 

"He comminted suicide the day after you told him Yami was gone." she continued, a few tears rolling down her cheeks to splash on the carpet. "Jou and Honda are trying to make it out that you killed him, drove him to commiting suicide by showing him the shards of the Puzzle. Well, that's what they're telling Jii-san and I. They're telling the police you _actually_ killed him, and set it up to look like suicide." 

"What?!" I sat up straight, not even aware that I'd been slouching. "B-but that's preposterous! I wasn't even in that area!" 

"I know. But Ryou, I _saw_ him. I got inside before Honda could stop me. He was so still... He'd slit his own wrists, with a note saying that he'd gone to find Yami again... Ryou, I _loved_ him." Anzu said, almost whispering as she watched me finish the last of the tea. "Oh please forgive me Ryou, you have to go. If Jou and Honda find you... Do you have somewhere you can go?" 

_Gone to find Yami. Don't wait up..._

Going to find Bakura... Hm, not such a bad idea. 

"Hai, I do," I said saddly, standing up and heading for the door. "I'll wander, as I always have. You'll probably never see me in Domino again, if Jou-san and Honda-san are so worked up." 

"I'm sorry Ryou-kun..." she said again, and suddenly she stood up and threw her arms around me all at once. She hugged me tightly for a moment and then let go, and I realised that her tears were as much for me as they were for Yuugi. "I loved you too, you know." she whispered as I left. I didn't answer her, but I knew she knew I had heard. 

And so I left Domino City forever. A new stage of my life was just beginning, but in return the old life had to die. 

I didn't want it to die, but it already had. The moment Yuugi slit his wrists, no, the moment the Ring shattered... No, even before that. The moment Bakura stole the Puzzle, my life had begun to end. It had been fading ever since, and I just hadn't noticed. 

Oh Yuugi forgive me. It shouldn't have ended this way... 

()()()()() 

WSJ: *snicker* Just you wait Ryou. It ain't over yet! ^^v Yes, I know, this chapter sucked. *sweatdrop* Originally it was focused completely on Yuugi's suicide, but it sorta moved off track... 

Ryou: *drugged and zonked out on the floor* Zzzzzzzz... 

WSJ: ^^; 

God bless minna-san! 


	8. Anything

WSJ: This was inspired by one of the best fanfic writers I've ever had the privalige to know, Hikari no Tenshi (who posts under the name Kage no Tenshi). Everyone always noted that my fics make them cry... Well in that case, go read hers! Inspired particularly by _Shinu Shinanai_, a story about Bakura that she never posted. 

Disclaimer: I don't own YGO. Never will. Duh? 

()()()()() 

_

Dedication:  
To the other me, who lives deep inside. The one that never comes out except in the deep hours of the night, the one who cries and hurts. The lonely one, who only wants to go home, wherever that may be. The one who dreams at night of pyramids and dragons. The one who walks the stars and talks to the spirits of this world and others. To the other me... this is for you.

_

Ever felt like you don't quite fit? Well, sure, we all have at one point or another. But I'm not talking about the feeling when you move to a town and don't know anyone. No, the feeling I'm thinking of is _after_ you've met everyone, made friends, lived there for two or three or ten years... and still feel alone. 

It's a feeling like you don't belong here, like you should move on. Like every dream you've ever dreamed took place somewhere else, and you really should go to that place. Except you don't know where it is. 

Ever felt like something was missing? Or maybe, all of you was there, but you just didn't know it yet? Like, you wake up one morning and start to have a conversation with yourself. Still half asleep, mind you. But then you wake up fully and realize that you're just one person, and somehow that feels wrong. 

Ha! I miss myself... 

Really, I do. Ever heard the old saying about not realizing how much you love something until it's gone? Well, believe it. 

I can hear you all shaking your heads in pity now. 'Poor little Ryou,' you're all saying. 'He's clearly lost it.' Maybe I have. But I can tell you one thing, I miss Bakura more then anything else in the world. Yes, he beat me. He tormented me. He abused me. But he cared. He really did. Under the hard heart and even harder head, he really cared. 

And I cared too. 

If you looked at me now, nearly a year after Bakura's second death, you'd probably wonder who I was. Against all logic, almost everything about me has changed. My hair is darker, almost a solid lavendar now. My eyes? Gray-green. No longer the muddy brown that Bakura complained was so plain. I'm taller and thinner. Why have I changed so much? 

Want to know what I think? I think it's because Bakura's gone. He didn't take on my appearence when we bonded; I took on his. The hair, the eyes... I have pictures of me from before I got the Ring (or at least, I did. I suppose they're still at tou-san's house somewhere). Sure enough, my eyes are green and my hair shows signs of purple-ness. But after tou-san gave me the Ring, I turned pale. My hair bleached out. I turned into Bakura, he didn't turn into me. 

But most of all, now, are the scars, or rather lack of them. Not a scar can be found, anywhere about me. Not the whip marks across my back, the knife slashes that crossed my arms, the burn marks on my chest. Nothing. At least, nothing Bakura gave me. 

All the scars I've given myself these past two years are as clear as the sky. Slit wrists, slashed arms, burned legs... How many times have I tried to follow Yuugi? How many times have I tried to find myself again... How many times have I failed...? 

And the truth is... I miss him. I love him. I want my Bakura back. 

Not love in the way today's society sees it. I'm not gay, come on! That'd be gross, lusting after (essentially) myself. Yeah right. I love him the way they loved in ancient Egypt. My brother, my soulmate, my other half. I'd do anything to get him back. Anything at all. 

Anything... 

And there is a way. 

There's hope yet. 

I'd do anything to have Bakura back, but the price is high... 

Another dark to take the place of mine in hell, so I can rescue him. 

Only one other dark... 

But I can't kill the dark without killing the light. 

I could simply wait until I fade, until I die away. Then I'd have Bakura by my side once again. Can I wait that long? 

Or would I kill Malik and his yami, just to get my own self back? 


	9. One And A Half

WSJ: @_@ 

Ryou: *pokes her* 

WSJ: .... *falls over* 

Ryou: ^^; She was up late last night perfecting her entry for High Crystal Guardian's Negative Contest. Go read it, if you're bored. It's called _The Falcon_. 

WSJ: @__@ Zzzzzzzzz... *twitches* 

Ryou: *sweatdrops and drags her away* 

Disclaimer: I don't own YGO in any way, shape, or form. The way of Ishtar's speech and manner is borrowed from IrishJade, one of the best writer's I've ever met. Go check out her fics, especially _Fragillis Pondera_. 

()()()()() 

Huh. I guess Bakura rubbed off on me more then I thought. At least a little. Isis doesn't even wake up as I slide the drugged cloth under her nose. Oh no, I have nothing against Isis-san. It won't hurt her. I just don't want her waking up any time while I'm still around. Creeping two doors down the hall, I do the same to Rashiid, and he never stirs at all. Sleeping like babies, I believe is the metaphor I'm looking for here. 

But I guess I'm not as quiet as I thought. The door to Rashiid's room flies open just as I'm about to put my hand on the knob to leave, banging against the wall behind it. Two years ago I might have winced at either the noise or seeing Ishtar standing in front of my with the Eye of Horus burning on his forehead and the Rod clenched tightly in his hand. 

Now, however, I just take a step backward, making sure I'm out of range of his arms. He narrows his eyes at me, probably trying to place who I am. 

"Yami?" 

Ah, so Malik's awake now too. All the better. I like challenges. I grin ferrally as Ishtar answers his aibou without taking his eyes from me. "Back to bed Pretty Other, is nothing." Once he is sure his hikari is back in bed, he turns to me. "Tomb robber go. What have you done to Isis-sister and Rashiid-not-brother?" 

Contrary to what Ishtar probably thought I'd do, I throw back my head and laugh at the absurdity of it all. Mistaken for my yami when I don't even look the least like him anymore...! "Oh I'm not my yami Ishtar. And I have a job to do." 

Ishtar frowned at me as he slid the dagger out of the Rod. "Not get to Pretty Other, Ring Holder. Pretty Other's Other won't let you." 

My scowl twists with bitterness. "Not Ring Holder anymore Ishtar. Never again... But I will get him back! I will! It's not your hikari I want Ishtar. It's you." 

He looks surprised, and isn't prepared to defend as I charge at him, pulling a knife from my cloak. It's been months. I know how to steal, I've had to learn. So anything I want is easily within my grips. This knife is a good one. Only the best for the King of Thieves. 

My face takes on a ghoulish smile as I reflect on the irony of it all. Here I am, one of the best thieves in the world, if not _the_ best, and the international news media choose to call me by my yami's title. How ironic. Ironic and somehow... fitting, I suppose, in a way. 

Ishtar squeks as I jump on him, but his instincts kick in and he throws me off him. I nod slightly and we circle each other warily, knives held at ready. My sences seem sharper then ever before, and a laughter that sounds supiciously like my yami's echoes through my head. I wonder briefly if this is what it feels like to be insane, and that thought makes me smile. Ishtar must have caught the psycotic gleam in my eye, one that's so often in his own, and he shudders. 

I choose that moment to jump, and my dagger comes down hard on his shoulder, causing him to cry in pain. A red haze springs up in front of my eyes as Ishtar's blood flows over my hands, and I realize in that moment why my yami loved the pain of others so much. Pain to yourself is saticfying, but there's just something about causing others pain that energises the soul. 

Ishtar stumbles back holding his shoulder, and I laugh cruelly. He looks up, and in that moment it seems we have both switched personalities. As Ishtar cowers on his knees I see only Malik, and reflected in his eyes I see me, although I look and sound and seem like I have become Bakura. 

"Yami!" Malik runs into the room and falls to his knees next to Ishtar. He turns to look at me, and unlike his yami he recognises me instantly. "Ryou! Help me, someone's hurt my yami!" 

I almost have the erge to laugh again. Fool, can't even tell I'm the one who's done this. The blood on my hands is still warm, and something drives me forward. I want _more_! As I step forward and Malik shrinks against his yami in fear, my foot collides with something. Looking down I see the Sennen Rod, still laying where Ishtar had dropped it after I'd stabbed him. 

My eyes lighting up and suddenly knowing what I can do to cause the most pain to the both of them, I center the hard heel of my boot over the Eye of Horus on the knobby end of the Rod. Malik senses my intentions, although his yami is too far gone with pain to care. 

"Ryou..." Malik asks, his voice a terrified whisper. "What's happened to you?" 

"It used to be that you couldn't be told apart from your yami." I hiss at him. "You would blur and merge and you were really more like one-and-a-half then two. Now it is _I_ who fades." 

I lean my weight on my heel, and I feel the Rod shatter beneath me. Ishtar screams in pain, and Malik's eyes widen before going blank. Malik would die too, he was so closely bound to his yami. And I didn't care. I thought maybe I'd feel something at the death of the one I once called friend, but all there is is an empty void, to be filled with more pain, day after long, lonely day. 

Somehow I know that now, even with the last light and dark dying at my feet, my yami won't return to me. Bakura is too far gone. But that doesn't mean he's not with me. I laugh, and it takes on a hysterical edge. No, Bakura is gone. But now there is _me_! 

In Malik's dying eyes, I see myself reflected with my yami by my side. 

Sometimes, one-and-a-half is more then two. 

()()()()() 

WSJ: -,- Zzzzzzz... 

Ryou: ^^;;;;; Reviews please... 

God bless minna-san! 


	10. Splintered

WSJ: ^o^ I'm surprised so many of you thought that was the end. Nope, sorry, I'm not done yet. *sniggers evilly* I just got back from a week at a lake in Michigan, and while I was there, getting sunburned and catching bass, I had an amazing breakthrough in regards to this fic. 

See, before now I always just wrote on this when I felt like it, whatever I felt like writing. But now... _now_ I have plot. >:D 

Ryou: X( Bah humbug... 

WSJ: *snicker* A crude, rudementary plot, but a plot it is. ^~ And it will continue on until I say it is over. Mwaha. 

Ryou: Kill me now... Please... 

Damon: (SJ's newest muse and OC from her fic _The Falcon_) Tch, you wish... SJ doesn't own YGO. The plot is hers, but nothing else. 

WSJ: Bwaha! Behold, Psycho!Ryou lives! 

Ryou: Oh joy... 

()()()()() 

I stare down at the bodies of what used to be my best friend and his yami, my face expressionless. Malik was the closest thing to a brother I think I ever had, even if he did hang around with my yami more then he did me. I think they were so close because in my yami's insanity, Malik saw something of himself. Or maybe the other way around. No matter what, I can't just let him go. 

Bending down, I retrieve one of the longer pieces of the Rod. Unlike the Puzzle and Ring, which shattered, the Rod almost splintered. I slide the piece into the pocket of my coat that already hold a small fragmant of the Puzzle. And of course, the Ring's shards are tied around my neck, two of its pointers looped through my ears almost like Malik's own earrings. 

Kneeling down next to them, I slowly move their bodies so they look almost natural, Ishtar's wounded shoulder hidden behind his hikari. Gently I slide their sightless eyes closed, and I gather up the rest of the Rod and deposit it in Malik's lap. What he loved so much in life will now be with him in death. Now that the white-hot obsession of pain has passed, the blood on my hands has cooled and caked, I began to realize what I had really done. But still, no regrets. 

I wonder briefly what I'll have after my own death comes for me. No one knows or cares I excist, no wife to love me, no children to say my name long after I'm gone. All anyone knows of me is what the news papers and talk shows tell them about the King of Thieves. 

And really, what have I done to earn the title? Only what my yami did in his own time, stealing what is needed to survive. But if I steal clothes from the richest, food from the chefs, weapons from the government itself... who's to blame me? Why steal at all if you don't try for the best? And if the best just so happens to sit behind locked doors with supposedly invincible security systems, then I say all the better. I like challenges. Life is a challenge. 

My life has had three stages, four really. The first started the moment I was born, and ended sometime between when Amane died and I recieved the Ring. The second both began and ended with Bakura. It began with that first beating all those years and years ago, and ended the moment he won the Puzzle from Yuugi. During that time I was meek and subjective, too scared of my yami to do more then tremble when he suggested anything even slightly illegal. 

The third stage of my life ended between when the Puzzle and Ring shattered and when Jou ran me out of Domino. That time, now that I look back on it, was a transision period between the meek little Ring Holder and who I am now. Heh, now. Now is the fourth stage of my life. I'm King of Thieves, as was Bakura before me, and no one's to forget it! 

A vision comes to me as look at Malik and Ishtar, who look now thanks to me like they've just fallen asleep. I see again the Puzzle and Ring break, Yami and Bakura fade away before my eyes. I feel the Rod give way beneath my heel, and I know then what Destiny has chosen for me to do. Oh Fate's cruel sister, she's chosen me. The Sennen Items are no longer needed, and I've been chosen to make sure no one ever gets their hands on them again. I know what I have to do, and I begin to plan, even as I lean over to kiss Malik gently on the cheek, as brothers would, in a silent farewell. 

I'm still kneeling there, staring at them, lost in my own reflections and memories of days long gone, when I hear a sound from behind me. At first I think it to be the mewling of a cat, but then I realize that I've stayed too long, that the drug I used on Isis and Rashiid is beginning to wear off. With chagrin I realize too that the first thing Rashiid sees as he comes awake will be the corpses of his foster brother and yami, but that can't be helped now. 

I jump to my feet, throwing my cloak around me so that my face is wreathed in shadows. I run for the door and down the hall of their small flat just as Rashiid lets out a long keening cry of grief. A door to my left flies open and Isis stumbles out, still only half awake. She trips, and reaches out for the nearest thing to catch herself, which happens to be me. She pulls at my cloak and stumbles, and for a moment her sleepy eyes look up into mine. 

I do not know, even to this day, if she recognised me or not. Gently I pry her hands off my robe and run for the door, my cape flaring behind me in what I recognise as a dramatic gesture of farewell to the Ishtar house. 

I'm outside in the alley, safely in the deep shadows, when lights begin to go on and Isis screams. That wail, one of a grief-ridden older sibling, is what tears my heart in a way not even watching Malik's life ebb away could. Tears prickle the backs of my eyes as my mind flashes back to a day when I was only nine... 

But no. I shake my head sharply to clear it. It's not my place to be thinking of the past today. I put my palms together and bow my head briefly in respect to both Isis and Malik, murmering a short prayer in Egyptian I often heard Bakura repeat, and then I turn and leave them behind. 

"_'At my death let the bubbles of blood on my lips taste as sweet as berries. Give me not words of consolation. Give me magic, the fire of one beyond the borders of enchantment. Give me the spell of living well'..._" 

()()()()() 

WSJ: The verse Ryou quoted at the end is from the Egyptian Book of the Dead, helpfully translated by Carol Thurston in her magnificint book _The Eye of Horus_, page 19 in the year 2000 hard-back edition. 

^~ It's not over. Not by a long shot. 

God bless minna-san! 


	11. Reaper's Scythe

WSJ: Mwahaha... I have finally gotten around to writing the next chapter... ^o^ 

Unmei: *makes a face* I hate you a lot... 

WSJ: *face-fault* Unmei?! Wht are you doing here? 

Unmei: *shrug* I'm your muse, remember? 

WSJ: Right. Everyone go read _Tainted Soul_ by Ebony Kuroneko! Unmei's in there. ^~ 

Unmei: ... 

Disclaimer: I don't own YGO. Unmei's mine, but the _name_ Unmei belongs to Ebony-chan. ^~ Go read her fic to see if that's possible. :p 

Muse-ic of the moment: _Music of the Night_ and _All I Ask of You_, both from "Phantom of the Opera". 

()()()()() 

Last night I did something rather strange, at least for me. Shroud in a dark cape and a hood to keep off the rain as much to cover my tell-tale lavendar-white hair, I took a night on the town. Usually, if I were to do something of this nature, it would be because I was tailing someone to find out information, or I was scoping out a home or business I planned to rob the next few nights. But last night, I did it just for me. 

Sitting in a dark bar where no one cared what business you had, I sat nurcing a stale beer and remembering. Last night was an anniversery, you know. One year ago I killed Malik and Yami no Malik Ishtar with my own hands. _I_ killed them. No matter what the police may say, it was _me_. 

Unlike other thieves and murderers, who drink themselves so stupid that even they don't remember whom they've killed, I _want_ to remember. Some men are scared of their pasts, frightened of what they have done, and so they try to hide it from everyone and everything, including themselves, try to blot it out of every memory on earth. Not so for me. I'd rather remember. I'd rather cherish the thought of my one-time best friend, when he was most vulnerable and weak as his yami's blood ran over my hands. Somehow, it would disrespect them if I forgot, tried to make myself forget. 

Everywhere I go, death seems to follow in my wake. I don't know if I like it that way or not. Everyone I've ever let myself get close to have ended up dead. First Amane died, my beloved imouto-chan... That was the first experience of death I'd ever had, but Bakura, dear sweet Bakura, taught me with his fists and his feet not to care. So I hardened my heart, and after awhile her memory didn't hurt, and the tears stopped coming. 

Then okaasan and otousan left me alone. That was the most selfish thing either of them had ever done! They wanted to be with their daughter, their perfect little angel, and so they cried themselves to death, ignoring the fact that maybe I didn't want to come too, maybe I wanted to stay. 

But Bakura... Bakura was always there. _Always_. Only now he isn't. I'll find him again though, I've promised that to myself, and to him. He's always there, I know that, I just have to find the right spot where he can reach out and touch me. He was another one that died after I had learned to love him. The closest thing that I ever had to a big brother, and I killed him too... 

And Yami no Yugi (god, how I hate him!), he was the one that provoked me into ridding myself of them both. He pretended to be all high and nobel, preaching about the fate of the world and the heart of the cards. But he was just as bad as all the rest of mankind, immortal or not. All he cared about was his Yuugi, his aibou. Nothing about me. He never cared for me, so I never cared for him, and I've never missed him neither. 

And little Yuugi... 

No. I won't think of him. He's the one that still hurts, no matter how much I try and turn what little heart I have to stone. For all the others, even Amane, even Bakura, I feel no real remorse, because their time had come to die. Reaper's scythe was headed for them anyway, I just happened to be the one to swing it. But Yuugi... Oh god, he didn't deserve to die. 

I stood up abruptly and drained my beer, my hood falling away for an instant. Several of those around my yelped in surprise and backed away. No one would dare turn me in here, but who says common thieves can't be scared of their King? Smirking a little maddly, I pulled the black hood back up around my face and tossed a coin to the barmaid, who'd been trying to catch my eye all evening. Now that she knew who I was, however, she backed away like I carried the plague. 

My cloak swirling around me in shadowy folds, reminding me a little of the Phantom that had so captured my imagination in my youth, I left the bar. It was raining again, but I didn't care. I had a job to do, and it was only a block away. I was back in Domino again, and without fear. Why would _I_ fear puny humans like Jou or Honda? 

Stalking toward the Kame Game Shop, a glimmer of light from the street lamps lighting my otherwise cold eyes, I loosened my knife in its sheath. 

It was time to swing the Reaper's scythe again. 

()()()()() 

WSJ: >:D Evil cliffie, I know, I know... 

Unmei: X_x; SJ... 

WSJ: *grin* Reviews minna-san! 

God bless minna-san! 


	12. Guns & Roses

Mwahahah.... 

Bakura: v_v; Shouldn't you be working on your art project? 

WSJ: *sweatdrop* Ummm... No? 

Bakura: *sighs* SJ doesn't own YGO in any way, shape or form. *crosses his arms and leans against the wall* Like I really care. 

()()()()() 

All was quiet, both inside and outside the Kame Game Shop. I slid up the steps, easily picking the simple lock the kept the door closed. Really, with occupants so obsessed with gaming and puzzles you'd think they'd be able to find a better lock. Ah, but the Game Shop is under new management now, I silently remind myself. And the fool who runs it now would care little for locks, I'm sure. 

There. I'm in. I'm still not sure what my plan is, something that could mean the downfall of an otherwise good thief. I pause beside the counter, torn in two ways for not the first time since I'd begun thinking about this theft. I knew what I wanted, I knew where it was, and I knew how to get it without waking the house's single occupant. But... 

I _want_ to kill him. He dared oppose me, and it's time I showed him what it means to mess with the Thief King! He was the only one besides my beloved Bakura to dare cross my path, and every fiber of my being screams out that he should pay with his life. 

But at the same time, I know he shouldn't die. He has a fiancee, a family, a sister... a life. If he dies I would be the cause of untold pain to those innocents. I can remember them clearly in my mind, sweet Mai, gentle Shizuka... No, they don't deserve that pain, no matter how much I wish him dead. 

I sigh and shake my head, then make my way toward the stairs. What I seek is in the attic, in a box. It had been there for years untold, ever since Yuugi's death, probably. The Sennen Tauk. That's all I want. I have to keep telling myself that, keep conciously pulling my hand away from my knife. I must not kill him, no matter how I want to. I _must_... 

I've reached the second floor now, treading as quietly as a Bone Mouse across the carpeted floor. To my left is the door into Ojii-san Sugoroku's room, to the right Yuugi's old room. Directly in front of me lie the stairs into the attic. 

I can _hear_ him breathing, snoring even. He's sound asleep! He'd sleep through anything. I can do it quickly, no one would ever guess it was me, I could be in and out quicker than- 

I willfully fight against the madness that seeks to overcome me. No, _no_, I will not let Shizuka hurt the way I did! I can't let her feel that pain...! 

I search for something, anything to destract me, and my eyes land on the stairs. The Tauk. I need only to get the Tauk, then I can be out of here, away from that temptation of blood that is at the same time so utterly alluring and so repulsive. I stumble forward, smacking my own hand away from the sheath at my belt. The Tauk, just get the Tauk and get out... Shizuka, oh pretty little Shizuka... I will not be the one to cause her that pain! 

I'm in the attic now, and some semblence of sanity returns. I glance around almost feverishly and spy several boxes marked "Yuugi's Things". It had to be in one of those. I make my way over, knocking a lamp over as I do. It crashes to the ground and I curse myself aloud for my stupidity. He surely heard that, and he'll come up here! I can't see him, I know if I do I won't be able to resist... 

I tear open the first box, desperate to find the Tauk and get out before he finds me. Ah! Lady Luck and her cousin Fate seem to be on my side tonight. There it is, right on top. I reach down, and my hand closes around the gold of the Sennen Tauk just as I hear the quiet click of a pistol being cocked from behind me. 

"Just turn around with your hands where I see them." he said. I gasped, trying to control my twitching fingers. I _cannot_...! 

Slowly I turn, reaching up my hands to pull my hood back around my face, but he stops me. "Put the hood all the way down, and drop the necklace." 

Squeezing my eyes shut, my breath quick and light, I do half as he says. I let the hood drop away from my face and hair, but I keep the Tauk gripped tightly in my hand. I hear him gasp, and his voice goes hard. "Open your eyes and look at me." 

Slowly I raise my head to stare at him, my gaze empty. Just as I'd suspected and known all along, it was Jounochi Katsuya who stood glaring at me, a pistol aimed at the center of my chest. 

"I swear to you Jounochi," I say quietly, sounding almost, but not quite, like my old self. "I didn't want him to die. He wasn't meant to... It's all my fault! I _killed_ him! With Malik it was all right, he was meant to die anyway, but Yuugi... Oh god, he shouldn't have died! But I _killed_ him...!" 

For just an instant, the gun wavers, but then Jounochi moves his aim from my chest to my skull. "You're the one that killed Malik too? You bastard! Rot in _hell_!" 

"Believe me," I say quietly, looking him in the eye. "I would like nothing more." 

He fires the gun, and out of instinct I raise my hands to cover my face, knowing all the while that it will be no use. However, the Tauk is still dangling from my fingers. 

My eyes shoot open as I feel a tremor run through the Sennen Item and realize that the bullet from the gun struck dead center of the eye of Horus on the Tauk. It shudders again, and then shatters. I scream in pain as shards of gold imbed themselves in my hand, and everal more fly past my face, cutting my cheeks and forehead until they bleed. I stumble to my knees, holding my bleeding hand against me. I hear Jounochi curse and raise the gun again, this time for the killing shot. 

Before either one of us could stop me I'm on my feet again and across the room, ramming my shoulder into his stomach. I'd meant only to knock him out so I could leave, I swear it! But when he stumbled backwards, both of us had forgotten the stairs. 

"Oh Shizuka..." I couldn't help it that my eyes filled with tears as I fled into the night, pulling my hood around me with bleeding hands. "I never meant for this to happen. Forgive me..." 

()()()()() 

WSJ: *sniffles* Aww... Anyway, merry Christmas y'all! This is my present to you! 

God bless minna-san! 


	13. Insanity

Ugh, it's been so long... Truly, I'm sorry. Usually I only get urges to write this when I'm insanely depressed or sugar high, and I've been neither lately. Gomen! 

Bakura: Aarg, and the fun just goes on... 

Disclaimer: Usual ones apply. No sueing or I'll never update again! Mwahahahaha...! 

()()()()() 

Sanity. 

Such a fragile facade. 

Broken, shattered in an instant, never to be repaired. Such a stupid little thing, so easily broken. 

And yet... 

There are times when sanity is the thing I wish for most. Times when everything I've done weighs down on me, bowing my shoulders and forcing tears out of my eyes. Times when I'm so tantalizingly close to repairing the shattered glass of my sanity, and I can actually see clearly all I am and will be. 

It's horrifying, you know, to think of all I've done and realize what a monster I am. All the death and pain I've caused, all the grief and tears. It's all my fault, and it hurts so bad... 

And this is all of me. I'm never going to be anything more. From the moment I wished the yamis away, no, from the instant I picked up the Ring, this was the way it was always going to be. Just me, Ryou, the monster. 

Sometimes, when I can actually think straight my mind is unclouded, I can't look myself in the mirror. Malik, once my best friend, and his yami... Jou, a man who once trusted me and called me his friend... Yami no Yuugi, who always tried to protect me... Yuugi... 

How could I have ever done such things? 

There are times my eyes slide back to brown, times when I can see just a hint of who I used to be. Times when all I can do is curl up in a corner and sob, because of what I've done and knowing there's no way I can ever repent for my sins. Times when the blood on my hands is almost visible, when I can almost smell their rotting flesh around me. Ammit will take me, so all I can do is keep dodging Death... 

I was pure once, you know? A long, long time ago... 

Can I tell you a story? 

Once upon a time, there was a hikari... 

Nevermind. You don't want to hear that story. It's too sad. 

There are times I can see clearly. Times I can almost forget my yami isn't here. Times I can be almost sane. But every time it happens, sooner or later it all slides away, and I go back into the hazy place my mind rests when it's insane. I get up from my corner, wrap my cloak around me, and go to steal again like nothing ever happened. 

Haze and mist and dark... Is that all there is to the world? Is that all? 

Please... There has to be someone else out there, someone else like me. Lost. Please? Won't you answer? 

Once upon a time... 

Guess what. 

Sanity's overrated. 

()()()()() 

WSJ: *blink* That was rather more... Random, than usual. 

Bakura: *shrug* Well, your fans wanted a chapter, and they got one. If they don't like it, it's their problem. 

WSJ: :) I suppose so. Reviews minna! 

God bless minna-san! 


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